16 December 2010

What I think is funny...

Most people know that my humor is fairly elementary and I took this quiz one time that described me as an idiot savant.

It pretty much said I was really smart but that I found some of the most simple things absolutely hilarious. Anyone who has ever worked with or lived with me knows that I am very easily amused. And am also known to carry things a little too far to the point where it turns into something disgusting.

Various things that have made me laugh:

1) This is a clip from the movie "The Proposal"-- Betty White and Sandra Bullock are my heroes.

2) There are those occasions when I am out with friends and if we are, let's say, in a grocery store, I will say something like, "Hey, Ginger, I will give you a dollar if you dance like this all the way down the cereal aisle." If they happen to take that challenge, then I'll quickly yell, "Hey, shoppers, look at the weirdo dancing down the cereal aisle? Isn't that just ridiculous? I wouldn't come over here if I were you!"

3) I will sometimes hide around the corner at the studio where I work and just as a one of the other trainers may be coming by, I'll quickly but in a calm voice say, "Hey, Jill, what's new?" Scares the crap out of her and then I'll try not to laugh while saying, "Oh, did I scare you?" 

4) I have always loved the Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford skits on Saturday Night Live. I also miss Tina Fey and Amy Poehler on SNL's Weekend Update. 

5) I love it when my sisters imitate things that their sons/my nephwes do; this always leads to my oldest sister and I talking in a midget voice that only adds to the humor of imitating the boys. It drives my other sister crazy. Love my nephews. And my sisters.

6) My dad, who's Brazilian, has a tendency to say things the wrong way and his accent makes it even funnier. For instance, when he bought my mom a new car they came home from the dealership. His summary of his experience with the car salesman: Man, dose guys, dey get you sink, line, and hooker!" My sisters and my brother and I all kinda just look at each other and shrug. Huh, guess the guy threw in a hooker as part of the deal. 

7) Moose, due to only have 1 eye, and his tendency to misjudge the distance of the couch at times. He will take a good running start, jump to get on the couch, but because he can't quite calculate the actual distance he will face plant and fly backwards. Without missing a beat, he springs up, and jumps on the couch. Success!!

8) Watching my sister, Olivia, playing the boxing game on the Wii. All sorts of spastic and involuntary movements come out of this typically prim and proper woman.

9) My brother reciting movie lines.

10) And this is my favorite holiday recipe, I make it every year.

Real-World X-mas Recipe


1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
some nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit 

Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat . Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill OK. Try another cup .... just in case. Turn off the mixerer. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick fruit off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a ...t. Check the vodka. Still teast OK? Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spgoon of supar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn on the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, drop the bowl on the floor spillling contenst, finish the vodka, swip in the mess, and trip over the cat.

This list is just a small bit of the things I find funny. Moose is currently making a list of things he finds funny, too. He keeps looking at me and laughing and quickly scribbles in his Big Chief notepad. I'm suspicious.

14 December 2010

Great story!


13 December 2010

Jill's birthday

So Jill decided to turn another year older.

We acted like it was going to be the last celebration any of us would ever have.

The night started when Ginger, who had just that morning broken her toe, decided to at least come hang out with us before we headed out. She didn't feel as though she'd be able to stay out since her foot was throbbing and she was unable to wear decent shoes.

She came over after school (she's a teacher) and wanted to go to the liquor store to get Jill a good bottle of wine for her birthday.

Ginger also bought herself a huge bottle of white wine.

I got a 6-pack of beer...Landshark.

We went back to my place and just hung and talked and laughed. I finished getting ready and Moose was being his usual self, just all up in Ginger's face and invading her personal space.

Moose is never short on attention
It was a couple of hours before Jill and the rest of the group showed up, and Ginger and I weren't really paying attention to how much we drank. We were just having a good time. It was all out of naivete and innocence. We knew not what we did.

Jill showed up with her sisters and then Allison followed shortly thereafter.

We kept drinking. The girls made their mixed drinks and we all sort of just hung out for a while.

No one knew that Jill and her sisters, Kristi and Lanelle, were going to dress alike: dresses, black tights, and boots. I wore my typical jeans, boots, and shirt. Ginger, who was the loveliest of all, wore her teacher's outfit: gray slack, blouse and cardigan. Allison had managed to shop for something new and trendy--no surprise there. We were a multiculturally-fashioned group.

All I know is that this was my thought in getting ready: It's frickin' raining. We're going to a biker bar. I'm 32. I could care less. I just can't wait to eat when we get home.

The other girls thoughts:

Ginger: My damn toe hurts and I can't wear my new cute teacher shoes. I'll just keep drinking my keg o' wine.

Allison: This is one of the cutest outfits I've worn in a while!! I can't wait to see how cute I look when I'm dancing on the bar...

Jill: I hope I can pull down these tights easily when I have to poop.

Kristi: I should pump breast milk before we go out. And probably try to poop.

Lanelle: I bet my sisters are thinking about pooping right now.

Moose: I could just poop with all this excitement and attention I'm getting right now!

After some time Ginger announces she's going to go out with us. My assessment was that she'd had enough wine that her toe was numb and she was also having so much fun that she didn't want it to end.

We went to the biker bar. After some dancing on the bar and a good laugh at the spectacle in the ass-less chaps and fishnet hose, and watching Kristi perform a drunken basketball shuffle/trip-and-fall all the way across the floor of the bar, this was our thoughts:

V: Why did I just take that disgusting shot of what tasted like stale cherry Pucker?

Ginger: I'm the hottest, broken-toed, cardigan-wearing teacher here.

Allison: I look goooooooooood!

Jill: I think I'm gonna River Dance now for all to see my glory.

Kristi: That was the best basketball shuffle I've ever done in my life.

Lanelle: I'm disowning my sisters in court tomorrow.

Moose: Those bitches need to get home and let me outta this kennel, otherwise I'm poopin' in their shoes.

The next morning, Ginger, Allison, and I all woke up in my bed. Moose was snuggled in somewhere with us happy as can be...

I walked downstairs to fine Kristi balled up on the air mattress. Lanelle was buried in my oversized chair, and Jill was pleasantly nude on the couch delicately covered up in a fleece blanket.

Moose, upon seeing Jill, cried and pointed, "Hey!! Look, we're BOTH naked. Isn't that awesome?!"

Our thoughts:

V: It's 6:30am, I need to clean something.

Ginger: Damn, my toe hurts.

Allison: I hope I still look cute.

Jill: Good thing I'm naked, I gotta poop.

Kristi: I feel like poop.

Lanelle: I'm an only child.

Moose: This was so fun, I might poop!

Good thing Jill's birthday only comes around once a year, it's always a long recovery.

12 December 2010

Moose on Jersey Shore

I have no shame in admitting that I like "Jersey Shore". Does it seem silly that they just picked a group of random kids to put up in a beach house and film them partying and creating their own drama? Of course. But man, it's that kinda stuff that drives network ratings as well as appeals to so many Americans. Everyone wants to be all up in everyone else's business. So why not get a group of cuties, give them alcohol, add hormones, and then broadcast it all on the air.

I would bet that most people would say Snooki is by far the most entertaining character of them all. She carries that poof like no one else and I think someone should create a Twitter Account called Snookis_Poof; there would be so much of the inside scoop of Snooki's life, that we'd all be in on what really goes down when the cameras are off.

We'd have a fun "Situation" there, I think.

And to add to even more of that fun, I think Moose and Snookis_Poof would become the best of friends. Moose has no shame in displaying his life and every single aspect, so why not add a whole new level to the world of Jersey Shore??

Now, if Angelina decides to return, I'd bet money that once again she leaves because she's a conniving "dirty little hamster" who loves to stir the pot in the house. Not to mention, she lies through her teeth and can never take responsibility for her actions. But just as @tbeanmom pointed out on Tweetdeck the other day, she does have an offer to make a porn spoof of the show. @tbeanmom is TOTALLY on the up and up with what goes down on Jersey Shore. Not to mention, she's the amateur publicist for @TeamDJPaulyD...what devotion. I love it.

Moose is shaking his head at the thought of Angelina in a porn. I think he's over there in his kennel praying that it doesn't happen. He'd hate to have to take out his left eye, too, after having the retina seared from such a scary sexual travesty.

But Moose and Snooki? Yeah, that's about as awesome as it'd get on that show...the partying, the gossip, the slipper-wearing good times. And when Angelina pulls another one of her stunts, it's no second thought for Moose to just prance on over, take a dump in her shoes, and fart in her purse.

Moose would always have Snooki's back--she seems to have a good heart, a ton of energy, and he'd certainly be able to keep up. And what doesn't add to the energy of a bunch of Jersey kids, who tan, party, and live out their drama? A one-eyed wiener who doesn't listen, does whatever he wants, denies any boundaries, and acts like he owns the world.

Plus, he has 6-pack abs, tight glutes, and the same kinda smolder as The Situation. He's not down with the GTL, though--just the G. He doesn't need the T, he's already got a shiny soft coat that the perfect red color for a wiener. The L part? Dude runs around naked all day, who wouldn't love THAT life?

08 December 2010

A little more on the serious side...

I never knew anything about Elizabeth Edwards until her husband's campaign as the vice president nominee alongside John Kerry. Even then I didn't pay as much attention to her as I did to what her husband's party's mission was during that time.

I paid a little more attention to her when it was in the news that she had been diagnosed with cancer. Not only that, but they also talked about the loss of their 16-year-old son in a car accident. Everyone has experienced some kind of loss in their life whether it is a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, co-worker, or other relative.

I kinda got a little emotional watching the news the past couple of days and the way in which they talk about Elizabeth and the things she wanted to leave behind; those things that don't make her some kind of martyr but just doing the most simplest of things and realizing that the most important thing anyone can do is their best.

She had said in an interview that she didn't want her children to think of her as dying, but rather as living life in the best way that she could. Their family also never denied what it was that was happening and didn't make attempts at minimizing the situation.

I have a lot of admiration for a woman like that. She faced some major challenges in her life and while her distance after the loss of her son is certainly justified, she then made a decision to work through and take a direction in which she was going to try and make a difference.

As is typical of me, I will tend to reflect on my own life when I hear stories like that. As many people may know and some may not, probably the single most life-changing event in my life was the day I found out Matt, my fiance, had been killed in an automobile-pedestrian accident.

And I will forever be grateful for my sister, Olivia, taking the time to set up grief counseling for me. I'm not sure if I would have done that on my own, but I did agree to go. My first session was the worst and it took everything in my being to say to Robyn that he had died less than 2 weeks prior. I was certain that my life would never be good again.

Robyn asked me at one point, after some time had passed, if I still felt the same. By then I had this extremely strict routine down that I realized later was my way of trying to control everything else in my life because losing him made me feel like I was completely out of control. I felt totally helpless. I wanted some sense of having a hold of my life and learned that I was holding onto the wrong things. I had to change things within me and do some hard work; not expect things around me to change.

I told Robyn that I was really tired and I felt like I had aged a lot. I was 24 when he died. But I told her that I was determined enough to not be one of those who took this event and use it as a way to cultivate misery and self-pity. Matt had a ton of energy and sometimes it drove me crazy, but he had a great perspective on life that was not realized because he was sick or had had any major life event. He was just happy and recognized that being a good person and always trying to do the right thing were just a small part of living a quality life.

One thing that I will always remember about Elizabeth Edwards is that she said one of her saving graces besides her family and friends was her "faith in the power of resilience and hope." I think that's a huge statement of her character. I think that too often people don't believe in their own ability to survive or that they have the fortitude to actually move in a direction that will only lead to better things and a happier existence.

I remember I had one woman call me after Matt's death. She had lost her daughter several years ago and she called to tell me that things would only get worse. She said that she was still so angry and still didn't pray or anything since her daughter died. My thought:

"Bitch, you don't know me and don't think I'm anything like you. If you're calling to tell me that I will only become more miserable and sad, then you just wasted your time. I feel sorry for you that you have chosen to still think of yourself rather than what your daughter lived. Fuck you and your sorry existence."

I was so angry, it amazed me that people can come to you and say the things they say. She was not thinking of me but of herself. And I didn't ask for attention or anything, all I wanted to do was get through it and come out of it in a better place.

I've had other life experiences and I think that how you view your experiences is what determines who you are; you can either say, "Why me?" or you can say, "Bring it on because I'll conquer this one too."

I think Elizabeth Edwards made a tough decision in deciding to continue putting her life in a positive direction and not let the cancer consume her. She said that cancer would not keep her from living. I love that.

I've done a lot of work to be a different person since his death, and he is one who I think of often who I give credit to for being such a great example. He wasn't perfect by any means but he did his best and worked very hard to always move forward and to be better.

I think that the fact Elizabeth Edwards took the time to call family and friends when she found out that her treatment was no longer working was amazing. She wanted people to know they were important to her and she also wanted to make sure others were taken care of. I would bet that she even had plans in place for her funeral so that others would have less to worry about. She also took the time to write letters to her kids about what advice she felt would be important to them and also wanted to make the most of those days prior to her death. They played games and had fantastic moments while also allowing for tears. She was a realistic woman, yet not so stoic that she disallowed others to express their feelings or her own.

It'd be nice if everyone could live like that and always remember what it is that's important in life.

On a lighter note, Moose knows what's important: kisses, hotdog toys, dryer sheets, and fleece blankets in the winter.

07 December 2010


Go donate to save Haitian children!!!! It's a site started by Mitch Albom!!