22 November 2010


It's always this time of year that people want to say what they are thankful for and many times it's just the same stuff: family, friends, job, health, etc.

Moose and I made a list of things we're thankful for that may fall outside of that typical range. Here goes:

1) Moose is thankful for his hotdog. He loves that toy more than panties sometimes and has an average rate of 568 squeaks a minute. I'm thankful for 2 hands that sometimes need to take that toy away.

2) I'm thankful for a good vet who took excellent care of Moose when he had to have his right eye removed. Moose is thankful for all those shmucks who brought him treats afterwards. Overheard recently as my son was playing in the bathtub, "Hehe, man, that was the best scam ever...faking this glaucoma and gettin' my eye out. What a buncha suckers...hehe. Boo yah."

3) Moose is thankful for all the stuffing inside his toys. I'm thankful that his digestive system is able to eliminate the stuffing in a nice neat turd each time.

4)  I'm thankful that while I manage to burn the rice at least once a week, I haven't burned down the house. Moose is thankful for his tiny fire blanket and tiny fire extinguisher.

5) Moose is thankful for our neighbors Juan and Rosa cuz Juan lets him pee on his work boots almost every time. I'm thankful that Rosa vacuums/cleans just about as often as I do.

6) I'm thankful for Victoria's Secret having a sale on panties. So is Moose.

7) Moose is thankful for apple pieces and baby carrots. I'm thankful that he eats clean cuz we don't buy junk food.

8) I'm thankful for how happy Moose is ALL THE TIME. (He's happy that I wrote that.)

9) We're both thankful for all the fun people in our lives and know we're fortunate that they put up with our total nonsense so gracefully.

10) We're both also thankful for all the future moments that we'll turn into all sorts grand adventures that really aren't true but we like to think it is because we like to think that so much happens to us and it all needs to be recorded and reported. And exaggerated.

This list could go on and is just a tiny drop in our large bucket of thankfulness. Right now, I'm thankful for the impeccable timing of Moose's bowels and his ability to pace frantically at the door until I take him out.

19 November 2010

A Moose of a workout (dedicated to Patrick)

Moose decided that since he turned a year old last week, he is ready to hit the gym with his mother. He summed it up nicely this morning as I was preparing my routine glutamine/BCAAs, coffee, protein, etc....

"Mother, since I have no balls, it might be good if I build some muscle. I think that if I eat these panties right here, it's a good pre-workout boost."

"So, you're saying that you've been getting a good pre-workout boost for about a year now..."

Anyway, I said it was ok, but that he had to stick with machines only and he wasn't allowed to use the free weights just yet. He has a tendency to run around like a little maniac exercising little control over his body so it would pose a great risk to throw him into any exercises that require strong proprioception.

When we got to the gym, I made sure Moose's velcro shoes were tight and that he had his tiny water bottle strapped around his waist. Then I told him he needed to warm up first to make sure he got the blood moving and increased his core temperature. That way he'd be much more productive during the workout. He said he'd jump rope cuz that's what all hardcore bodybuilders do to warm up.

"Honey, you're not a bodybuilder. You're a tiny wiener who wears velcro shoes and uses his hotdog toy as a pillow."

"Yeah, that does make me cooler than a bodybuilder, huh?"

After his warm-up I walked him over to a corner of the gym and had him start with some pushups. I was prepared to spot him but next thing I know he's cranked out 50 of them.

"It's cuz I got these tiny legs, 'member? I can only move a few cm at a time."

Anyway, so then we did a few more things to warm-up his legs. Some tiny squats, tiny lunges, and tiny jumping jacks. Then we moved on to the leg press machine--luckily, the gym had installed a tiny leg press machine for him at my request along with tiny weight plates also known as Cheerios. I got on the adult-size machine after strapping him into his machine.

I had him do a few reps and after about 5 of them he said, "Is it time for a snack?"

"No, not yet. Let's add a couple of Cheerios to your weight there and give me 5 more reps."

"Can I eat the Cheerios?"

"No, you can't eat them, those are your weights."

"But Patrick over there is eating brownies and he's gonna do some heavy squats. And I wanna look like that."

"He's a human, you can't look like that. But you can have some cute little glutes to show off."

Patrick comes over and says, "Moose! What's up bro?"

Aaaand then they chest bump.

"Did you guys just chest bump?"

"We did, Mother, cuz we're really masculine guys."

"Yeah, but you're 14 lbs, and stand 8 inches high. He's 6'3" and 220lbs. Big difference, babe."

"And we eat brownies and cheerios for post-workout meals, V."

"Patrick, don't teach my son those habits, he already poops stuffing."

Patrick then assisted my little boy with some bicep curls using a rubberband attached to a pencil.

Then those 2 proceeded to wrestle and Moose got Patrick to throw his hotdog toy about a million times while I could see that my son was well on his way to becoming a tiny beefcake.

06 November 2010

Herpes and Humor

As you know, my posts tend to be common situations/moments in life that I take and turn into more humorous episodes. In this case, all the focus is on my friend, Ginger. We've been friends for a long time and I'm proud to say that we have a tendency to talk about whatever trivial subject and turn into some over-the-top kinda rant. One particular case was a night that our other friend, Riann, decided she'd bring her bag of used makeup. Riann has a tendency to not throw things away but she'd rather share her tiny eyelash bacteria and other facial cells with the rest of us. A true friend she is.

And if you know me, I don't wear a lot of makeup. So I simply chose to pass on trying out anything in her stash. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood right then for a debilitating case of herpes simplex virus. Not that Riann was sportin' a small speed bump on her lip, but it's just best to avoid that potential altogether.

But not Ginger...the girl loves a good deal on some Maybelline. Not only that, but I think there was also some Rimmel in the mix. And who wouldn't want a good mascara that's endorsed by none other than the crack-snorting, tantrum-throwing bombshell, Kate Moss. Gosh, I hope she doesn't subscribe to this blog--I'd hate to feel the backlash from this puny post.

Ginger (on the left) currently herpes free

So after all the makeup hoopla, I was going about my business the next day when my phone begins to blow up with texts. They happen to be from Ginger. In all her hysteria, she's able to send word that she woke up with a tiny mountain on her lip. I laugh and send her a message that that's what happens when you use makeup that is already used. I told her Kate Moss would be utterly disappointed and would probably call her to chew her out right after she sucks up a tiny bag of COCA-EEN up her left nostril.

"But, V, it can't have been the makeup! I love that lip gloss!"

"Well, it seems that so did a little virus. You both have shiny lips now..." I don't hesitate to let her know I'm rolling on the floor laughing and she's not very amused by it.

"It'd be nice if my friends were a little more supportive! I have to go shopping later for a nice outfit that I find on the clearance rack for $3.25!!"

"Ok, ok, I'm sorry. Why don't you come over and since Moose is currently setting off Roman candles, I'll have him aim that sucker right at your lip-enveloping alien and he'll shoot it off--free of charge. I'll take pictures."

"Stop being a bitch, this thing is disgusting! I think it's going to need it's own zip code!"

"Well, we also have a small lab kit here. I bet if we take a sample of it, it may just turn out to be your twin. Let's go ahead and name it and maybe you can take your Christmas pictures by fireplace. I'll knit the little booger a sweater. I heard herpes tend to get a bit chilly during the winter months."

"Ok, I'm defriending you on Facebook and then permanently deleting you out of my life...that is, after I get that little sweater. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh wait, do you think I could get a deduction on my taxes if I claim it as a dependent?"

"Hey, it can't hurt to try. Take it into the INS, give them a few bucks and they'll make it a full-blown citizen."

I finally got a little serious and said that I read on WebMD that you can ease the pain of the virus with Vitamin C, lysine, and topical creams. Other than that, you just gotta wait it out and then do things to prevent future outbreaks.

She did come over after that and upon seeing her Moose ran screaming out of the house. It went something like this:

"O. M. G.! My mother let a foreigner into our home and I think it wants to use my tiny body as a host! I'm just a little boy! Juan! Rosa!! Save me, por favor! Que debe ejecutar para la frontera ahora! (We must run for the border now!)"

Seriously, where that little guy learned Spanish is beyond me. But it's cute to watch him running down the sidewalk with his little paws flailing in the air...

Ginger was successful in defeating the creature that invaded her lip. She's finally back to normal, but last I knew she was texting Riann to see if she could another batch of lip gloss. She's about as addicted as Kate.

01 November 2010

A message from Moose

Um, not sure how this works but my mother is in the shower right now and I snuck onto her laptop. The miniature greyhound next door told me she writes stories about me and says that I do all these things. But I have now taken an oath and swore on this tiny Bible that I DO NOT eat panties. At least I think it's a Bible, kinda looks like a book on training your dog. Hehe...hold on a sec, Ima pee on this thing. *squirt squirt*

I simply chew them like gum. One time she gave me my own pair and I chewed it til it fell apart. That was just a case of bad craftsmanship on the part of Victoria's Secret. I wrote her a letter to make better ones:

Dear Victoria, I need better panties to chew. You got some for me? I like pink and black. Maybe a striped one too. Here's $5 from my mother's purse. Your most devoted customer, Moose Wazowski.

I got only one eye. I got no balls. But I got lotsa personality and I know how to use it to get treats. Now, if anyone out there is near this apartment, I'll help you get the treats down from up on top of the fridge. Here's the address:

You go down this street. Then you have to turn over there and she lives in that apartment with the white door and the pumpkin out front. Easy peezy directions. Remember, sometimes there are these red things that are bright and my mother will stop her car when she gets to them. I always tell her to just go ahead and keep going but she said something about a ticket and going to jail. I'm a little suspicious she has a history of some felonies. Not sure what exactly a felony is but guessing it doesn't get you treats. 'Specially those that taste like filet mignon. Mother doesn't eat filet mignon cuz she says it doesn't help you get lean? Let me show you something:

Glute pose

I got nice glutes. I eat filet mignon. That lady in the shower don't know crap 'bout what it takes to get lean. She just a chub.

Sometimes when I take naps, I like to get into the snuggie. I like it cuz it makes me feel like I'm a leopard in the jungle. I'm not really a leopard, guys, I just kinda come off like one. It's my swagger. But this is me in my snuggie:

See how I just got one eye? My mother says it makes me more handsome and that having 2 eyes is overrated. I think she loves me. She always kisses me.

Sometimes I go to work with my mother. Her clients love me and sometimes they ask about me when I don't go with her. I like the studio, I can run real fast and once I accidentally pooped there. I got real excited when I saw lots of people and just dumped. She said it was ok, that I didn't mean it. I didn't.

My first time at the studio, I was just real little...like this:

That's when I had 2 eyes still. I got a harness on cuz my mother doesn't want me to be without my leash. I look kinda handsome, huh? But I'm lots bigger now, she feeds me everyday and gives me water. I also get apples, carrots, egg whites, and cucumbers. She doesn't let me have other bad food. Says I have to stay real healthy so my poop is solid.

It's solid. Sometimes when I poop, we run away from it because she forgot to put more poop bags on my leash. That doesn't happen very often. But when it does I have to poop by a bush far away. Haha, my mother is funny when she runs from my poop. I told the new kid next door about it and this is what he thought:

Ok, that's all. I gotta go, my mother's getting out of the shower. I'm gonna get to nap now, I got the red fleece blanket all ready and all she has to do is cover me up. I can't wait. Hope she doesn't find out I wrote on here.