Moose decided that since he turned a year old last week, he is ready to hit the gym with his mother. He summed it up nicely this morning as I was preparing my routine glutamine/BCAAs, coffee, protein, etc....
"Mother, since I have no balls, it might be good if I build some muscle. I think that if I eat these panties right here, it's a good pre-workout boost."
"So, you're saying that you've been getting a good pre-workout boost for about a year now..."
Anyway, I said it was ok, but that he had to stick with machines only and he wasn't allowed to use the free weights just yet. He has a tendency to run around like a little maniac exercising little control over his body so it would pose a great risk to throw him into any exercises that require strong proprioception.
When we got to the gym, I made sure Moose's velcro shoes were tight and that he had his tiny water bottle strapped around his waist. Then I told him he needed to warm up first to make sure he got the blood moving and increased his core temperature. That way he'd be much more productive during the workout. He said he'd jump rope cuz that's what all hardcore bodybuilders do to warm up.
"Honey, you're not a bodybuilder. You're a tiny wiener who wears velcro shoes and uses his hotdog toy as a pillow."
"Yeah, that does make me cooler than a bodybuilder, huh?"
After his warm-up I walked him over to a corner of the gym and had him start with some pushups. I was prepared to spot him but next thing I know he's cranked out 50 of them.
"It's cuz I got these tiny legs, 'member? I can only move a few cm at a time."
Anyway, so then we did a few more things to warm-up his legs. Some tiny squats, tiny lunges, and tiny jumping jacks. Then we moved on to the leg press machine--luckily, the gym had installed a tiny leg press machine for him at my request along with tiny weight plates also known as Cheerios. I got on the adult-size machine after strapping him into his machine.
I had him do a few reps and after about 5 of them he said, "Is it time for a snack?"
"No, not yet. Let's add a couple of Cheerios to your weight there and give me 5 more reps."
"Can I eat the Cheerios?"
"No, you can't eat them, those are your weights."
"But Patrick over there is eating brownies and he's gonna do some heavy squats. And I wanna look like that."
"He's a human, you can't look like that. But you can have some cute little glutes to show off."
Patrick comes over and says, "Moose! What's up bro?"
Aaaand then they chest bump.
"Did you guys just chest bump?"
"We did, Mother, cuz we're really masculine guys."
"Yeah, but you're 14 lbs, and stand 8 inches high. He's 6'3" and 220lbs. Big difference, babe."
"And we eat brownies and cheerios for post-workout meals, V."
"Patrick, don't teach my son those habits, he already poops stuffing."
Patrick then assisted my little boy with some bicep curls using a rubberband attached to a pencil.
Then those 2 proceeded to wrestle and Moose got Patrick to throw his hotdog toy about a million times while I could see that my son was well on his way to becoming a tiny beefcake.