16 September 2010

We got a drug screen

Sometimes when you get a new job you have to go get a drug screen to prove that you are not high. They tell you to do it and will even give you up to a week to get it done. That's just enough time for Moose to run to the store, get a buncha Flush the Coca-Een, run home and drain his tiny system of all illicit products. If you call peanut butter and cheese ice cream illicit, then so be it--his system is typically drenched in it.

We moseyed our butts on down to LapCorp and proceeded to Suite 218. A big sign on the door read, "Drug Screens and Paternity Tests". Moose laughed, pointed at the sign and said, "Get a loada this, Mother. If they think I'm gonna claim to be anybody's baby daddy, they got another thing comin'." With that, he revelcroed his Spiderman shoes and we entered into the suite.

A pleasant smell greeted us. It was something of a combination between spilled urine, a mechanic shop, Axe body spray, and cheap cigars. Moose and I inhaled as deeply as possible and signed in.

We took a seat next to a woman who was seriously dressed for the prom. Not only was her hair very pretty but the way she managed to teeter on her heels was very elegant. I could tell that in order to walk so agonizingly you had to make sure your shoes were at lease 3 sizes too small. In the 10 minutes we waited, she managed to apply lipstick at least 5 times. Once she even offered me some, but I politely declined.

"Oh no thanks, I'm still trying to get rid of this little herpes hill on my lip."

Moose: Yeah, that thing been there forever. Woman won't just go get it lanced off.

"Shut your mouth when you talk to people, you want those balls bronzed and mounted on my mantle next week?"

The obviously overworked/underpaid employee at the window called me and Prom Queen over to sign the papers and present our IDs. Then she called me back and told me to wash my hands and use the green soap. I did as instructed. Then she presented me with the little plastic cup with a lid.

"Now go in that bathroom and fill to this line. And don't flush the toilet."

I was immediately confused. "So I pee in this thing? But I don't flush the toilet? Am I suppose to pee in the toilet too?"

I could tell by the look on her 5-foot frame that she had no time for someone like me. She was annoyed.

"No. don't. flush. the. toilet."

"But you said for me to pee in this. What does the toilet have to do with anything?"

Her face got a little red but I thought maybe she was just a little bashful. Then I think she was talking at me through clenched teeth.

"Just...pee...in...this. touch. the. toilet. and. I. kick. your. 5-9. ass."

"Okaaaaaay, geez. By the way, I think if you get more protein in your diet, you might feel better. You're kinda tense."

I went in the bathroom. There was red tape on the sink and the toilet tank. Kinda like mini crime scenes. I peed in the cup.

I came out and she told me to wash my hands again. With the green soap. I did. I was scared of her.

"You can't flush the toilet because people will try to cheat that way. But you obviously wouldn't cheat."

"Haha! No way, if anything you'll find a ton of Dunkin Donuts coffee in my system. And protein. Speaking of protein, have you ever..."

"Git yo dingbat ass outta my office!"

Meanwhile, Moose managed to befriend Prom Queen, peed on her heels, and danced to Islands in the Stream by the BeeGees with her. Pretty sure I heard him say:

"So, yeah, like, I got these babes you know, and they all think I'm da baby daddy. But I ain't. It just that I'm a lover and treat the ladies all good...then they want me raisin' they kid cuz I do right."

Me: Moose, really? You have no concept of females. You only learned all that from watching Step Brothers. Now veclro your shoes and let's go."

"Man, Mother, why you gotta bring up the velcro?"

We had to make a stop at Costco on the way home. As I put Moose in the cart and he was swinging his legs happily, he managed to tell everyone we passed that his Mother just peed in a cup.

"My mother just peed in a cup. They wanna look for Coca-Een. She won't get the job if they find it. I got Spiderman shoes. Velcro."

My son is very discreet. He is currently serving a sentence of 2 minutes on the Time-out Bench for telling the cashier she looked like she did the Coca-Een.

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