14 September 2010

The dish on Deals

There's this store called Deals that I was introduced to not too long ago. It's much better than the Dollar Store and everything in Deals is really $1. Moose and I decided that since he'd managed to completely destroy all of his other toys save the squeaky hotdog, it was time he reloaded his arsenal.

I love this store because they will have these brands that no one has ever heard of and I would highly question the true content of some of their foods. The label may say the food is refried beans, but the ingredients are written in Russian, there's a tiny Chinese flag on it, and the location of origin for shipping is from somewhere is southeastern Peru. Moose stood there for a bit scratching his head trying to translate cooking instructions. He asked me a question at one point and I just said, "No, Moose, we don't have any gasoline to marinate that." It's all a little suspicious.

I did read this article once on MSN Money that listed a few things you should buy at the dollar store. One of those items is vitamins, especially the off-brand stuff. But as is my duty as a personal trainer in fulfilling the obligation to fully research various aspects of the fitness industry, we decided to load up on some of those vitamins. Never mind that some of the bottles had a picture of  a cockroach with a machine gun on them. Just a little humor by those funny factory workers.

But other than a few things, there are other great things you can purchase. The article approved shampoos, household cleaners, spices, kitchen utensils, party goods and gift bags, and obviously various toys and games. 

The MSN article said that the vitamins don't digest right. They also said not to buy toothpaste there because some of them contained a chemical called diethylene glycol--you get that crap in antifreeze! I guess it's easily explained away because maybe they just make toothpaste and antifreeze in the same garage and they always have leftover diethylene glycol laying around. They thought, "Gosh, this stuff sure helps the antifreeze to protect a car engine and make it run well while preventing oxidation. I bet if we added it to the toothpaste, it'll keep your teeth from freezing and rusting too! Yeah, that's it!"

We grabbed a coupla tubes of DentaGoo to go with our Lyfe Buz vitamins. I wasn't concerned at all with the spellings of the names or that we had to sign waivers when we checked out. Moose paid with his weekly allowance and home we went. He got 3 new toys, 100 poop bags, and a brush too...all for $6. A real steal.

We were excited to try our new stuff, so we popped open the vitamins and ran to get our toothbrushes. It was like Christmas at our house! As soon as we popped the lid off the vitamins, there was a weird dust that came out of the bottle and for a brief second I thought Moose strongly resembled Little Bo Peep and he suddenly started doing River Dance. But that moment soon passed and we eagerly swallowed the recommended dose of 6 pills each. The warning said something about having a first aid kit and the Jaws of Life readily available, but we just thought that was more factory worker humor.

As we waited for our bodies to absorb and relish in the magical ingredients, we thought we'd kill time by shining up our teeth. DentaGoo came in a tube that had that little symbol for radioactive material. Misprint, I'm sure.

I flipped open the cap and accidentally spilled a little on the floor. It started steaming and then created a small hole in the carpet but I moved my plant over the hole so that I don't get charged extra when I move out next year. Hate those extra fees.

Moose eagerly shoved his Spiderman toothbrush forward in anticipation of a glob of DG. I gave him some and then got my own and we started brushing away. We took the recommended 2-minute time to  brush our chops and then rinsed thoroughly to experience the shine and clean.

We are now watching a movie. Moose has mysteriously swollen up like a little blowfish and has a weird lump growing on the bottom of his lip. He smiled at me and a tooth fell out and landed on his right leg that seems to be covered in warty clumps. I suddenly got a bad case of herpes on my lip and my hair is falling out. No big deal, though, kinda like my right eye all of a sudden going into spasms and I can randomly speak Mandarin.

A day without herpes is a day wasted.

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