Anyway, my Sprint USB760 Novatel Wireless Modem went dump on me and next thing I know Moose and I are completely disconnected from the human race. We are beside ourselves and all we did was run around the apartment flailing my arms and his little nubby things screaming for mercy. Juan and Rosa came over and offered assistance but we quickly slammed the door and resumed the screaming because it is in our nature just to simply refuse to be realistic and take the time to breathe. Instead of collecting our thoughts and figuring out how to fix the issue, we'd rather lose our heads and throw ourselves to the ground in complete devastation.
Then this morning as we emerged out of our cave, covering our eyes from the blazing sun and unsure of our surroundings, I decided that I might as well get my butt to the Sprint store for some technical help. Moose came along for moral support and hopefully a chance to pee on the tech guy's tasseled loafers.
Since we live in such a technology driven world and no one can seem to function without their bluetooth or constantly being connected in some way, it was hard for us to communicate face to face in an appropriate way. Moose started:
"HELLO! MY NAME IS MOOSE. I NEED TO PLAY MINESWEEPER!"
"Honey, we are you yelling? It doesn't make things easier to understand."
"WHAT? BUT HE WORKS FOR SPRINT."
"I know, but speak quietly, he can still hear you."
Sprint Guy took my device and I informed him of the issue.
"I feel like half a person. I don't know who I am and I don't know my purpose in life unless I am obsessively connected to the world wide web. I have no way of functioning without it. It's like my liver."
"Ma'am, you need to calm down. It's just probably a small issue with the data strips and we'll check it out. If anything, we'll just replace this one."
"But Moose here tends to jump up on my laptop and I think he's knocked something loose with it."
Moose says, "Geez, Mother, can't a dude get up in his mama's face? Can't help it if I need to lick your face and my teeny balls just happen to whack up against the data card. Daaaaaaaamn, Gina."
"Stop calling me Gina."
Sprint Guy, who stands about 5' and weighs a solid 105 lbs, smiles and says that he'll call us when it's ready to go. In the meantime, he asks if I'd like to look around the store.
"No, I don't want to look around your store. I'm within spitting distance of Sprint headquarters and I have no bars of service on my phone right now. What makes you think I wanna upgrade to another phone that would only do the same thing. Oh, that's right...this 5000-dollar phone has an instant savings of $299, with a mail-in rebate of $50, which only leaves me with $4651 to pay. Gosh, I can't wait to get it and have all my calls dropped and then the phone crashes because it can't handle all the apps ya got downloaded like this sweet Nascar tracker."
As Sprint Guy is trying to sell me, Moose is over at another help station asking if there are any panty phones available in the new 4G network. "Yes, I need one that is so fast I can get my hands on a nice pair of pink cotton panties that specifically have a 1/2-inch waistband in approximately 4.3256 seconds. Right now, working at my own speed and with the right wind direction I can snatch a good pair of undies in about 6.57 seconds--gotta improve my time, ya feel me? I prefer those that are 50% cotton and 50% algodon. Not sure what algodon is, but it's yummy."
|You got any 4G panties?|
"Sir, we don't sell those types of phones."
"Are you sure? It might not have reached the Midwest yet. Think I saw in USA Today that it's flying off the shelves in South Dakota."
"Sir, South Dakota is in the Midwest."
"Oh, I meant in the Bible belt."
"Still the Midwest. Now get away from my station."
As he's walking away, he manages to loudly exclaim, "What kind of place is this that doesn't have 4G panties??"
Me: Moose, let's go. You're so embarrassing and we need to get home so we can finally get back to normal by reestablishing a connection and find meaning in our lives.
"Meaning in my life equals a gift card to Victoria's Secret, lady."
We finally got home, got things reinstalled and managed to reconnect with the world. Moose is now ferociously updating his dating websites and sweeping mines like a mudda. I'm trying to watch some Monday Night Football while tracking my fantasy team and also stalk numerous people on Facebook. Thank Buddha that we are back in contact!
It was like a day with only one good eye.