17 September 2010

Neutering Moose

I haven't taken Moose to get neutered yet and that is because it is not a financial obligation right now. I figure that he can relish in his masculinity for a while before those tiny balls are no longer taking up residence between his hind legs.

Here is the specimen cooperating with scientists in displaying his teeny balls circa Feb 2010.

I read this statistic on neutering that the descendants of one female dog can produce almost 200 offspring before she is 5 years old. Now let's imagine if Moose was the one who managed to be the patriarch of that line.

Here are the likely characteristics and behavioral patterns that I'm pretty sure will one day be mapped out in a giant genome project funded by the government:

1) They will all have 1 blind eye, which is also known to function as a Magic 8 Ball. You turn the little guy upside down, give him a couple gentle shakes, ask a question, turn him over and reveal the answer.

Ex: Question: Did you just eat the elastic in my underwear? Answer: It is decidedly so.

2) They will most likely try and steal entire rolls of toilet paper and decorate your bedroom with it.

3) They will think it's cool to eat moths and watch ants crawl along the sidewalk using their good eye that just slightly cocked to make sure they get high definition vision.

4) They will poop out teddy bear stuffing.

5) They will expect you to pull out that stuffing when it is obviously tangled up in the chute.

Note: This is only after they have freaked out and frantically run circles around you trying to get away from the poop that has a death grip on their little chute.

6) They will beg for apples, berries, carrots, and PB and cheese ice cream.

Alert: At times this desire will be emphasized with high-pitched yelps and attempts to knock over the bowl. It is a pre-meditated action that is followed by putting their paws up, shrugging their tiny shoulders and saying, "Wha' happen? These dirty now? Want me to eat them?"

7) They will effortlessly dismember rope toys in a matter of minutes. Said rope has a high probability of making an appearance during chute-tangled poop episode. Note to self: Do not buy anymore rope toys.

8) Dryer sheets are their breath mints.

ATTN: This action will also result in similar consequence as pointed out in behavioral pattern #5. Exercise caution should one of those boogers happen to ingest a combination of stuffing/rope/dryer sheet. Make sure to have the number of a tiny dachshund ambulance on hand so as to notify the Wiener Authorities of such an atomic mixture. The nature of such poop should be studied at NASA.

9) They will take great pleasure in riding in the car and randomly honking the horn, thereby scaring Juan and Rosa. No big deal, just wave a nice "hola".

10) This should be at the top of the list, but without a doubt, they will be the most loveable and happy little cuddlers. With the occasional gassy ass. Get some Febreze.

P.S. They make great little furnaces in the colder months.

As I type this, Moose is lying at my feet using my foot as a pillow. He spent the afternoon playing with company and wore himself on a walk to the mailbox.

He always goes balls to the wall. How long that will last with actual balls is a mystery.

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