...and we had no idea when to kneel, when to criss-cross applesauce, or which saint went with what. So we decided, that as a coupla Mennonites, we'd handle this day with grace right there in the pew. The priest was one of the coolest either one of us had ever come across and it made Moose really consider having me send him to a monastery. But I said, "Moose, you don't go to a monastery to become a priest. You gotta, like, study theology or get a master's degree in divinity. Then you should probably volunteer at the parish and help the priest with religious services. Then you have to take a vow and pretty much commit to a life of solitude. No more flirting."
"What? That's what I gotta do? I just wanna eat the wafer things and get blessed a lot."
"Yes, honey, it's not just something you can do...it's a serious commitment. Now come on, he's about to do the reading thing and we gotta say something."
"But I like the ladies...and I like to keep my balls. Do those wafers come in peanut butter flavor?"
"Both those gotta go, and no, the wafers don't really have a flavor--it's about the meaning behind it, the spiritual experience. Now do this chant: aaaahhhhh....rooooogata....aaaaahhhh..laaaay....loooo....yaaaaa..."
"What if we do this: boom shaka laka...boom...wow wow.... I think I saw those cute little Spanish nuns doing the Stanky Leg to that beat earlier..."
"No, that's after the blessing and when Melissa tells Fermin that she will be his wife and love him forever. And stop making things up about the nuns, they don't do that. They make play clothes out of curtains and sing about their favorite things--you know, when the dog bites? When the bee stings? When they're feeling sad? They simply remember their favorite things?"
"Oh yeah, why don't you become a nun, Mother? When do we kneel?"
"Right now...and I'm not going to become a nun, I like my Mennonite heritage that always comes with a side order of fresh bread, butter, and a good game of Dutch Blitz."
"Oooh, I love Dutch oven!"
"Dutch BLITZ, you gassy son of mine! Now kneel and say grace!"
Moose proceeded to kneel but due to his lack of the appropriate length in legs, he uncontrollably slid off the pew, fell forward, and face-planted right into the back of Sister Agnes' habit. He was so embarrassed and just blurted out, "Sweet Mother Mary, this is gonna get me kicked out of the next Mennonite Central Committee sale and I'll never get another cheese curd sandwich again!"
I grabbed Moose and pulled him back onto the pew and told him just to hum the tune of "Whoomp There It Is" as atonement for this most shameful moment. I couldn't help myself with the humming and we both then did Da Dip right den and dare...pretty sure I caught Moose doin' the booty shake out of the corner of my eye. No one told me he learned that while watching MTV.
He did get brave at the reception and thought he'd try his hand at Spanish considering the groom's family is from Spain. Unfortunately, it went something like this: Hola. Mas grande caca en los pantalones. Donde esta la biblioteca?
Alas, my son just told them he had pooped in his pants and then asked where the library is... Let's forget this moment and just dance the night away, shall we? This ended up being yet another tragic event given that Moose bribed the DJ to play "Get Low" by Lil Jon. Appropriately, Moose then proceeded to imitate Sandra Bullock in "The Proposal" where she happens to dance in the woods with Betty White: from the window to the wall, til the sweat drop down my balls...let me see you get low, you scared, you scared, drop dat ass to the floor, you scared, you scared...
That little booger sure knows how to put on a show. Especially when he put his hands behind his head, wiggled his hips and yelled, "Hey Sister Mary Magdalene, get a loada this!"
Once again my face-planting, pants-pooping, wiggle-wit-it son is making a complete spectacle of himself. But at least he looked handsome: I had made sure that his mini suit was fitted perfectly as his
little black tie nicely encircled his little neck and his boutonniere really brought out his eyes, at least his good eye.
He's my baby boy and I love him. We are a good pair and there is never a lack of entertainment or total nonsense...it's a wonder sometimes his mother is able to proceed with her PhD and schools actually take her seriously.