So Moose and I have the best neighbors. They are quiet unlike the last philandering dude who inhabited the proportionately dumpy townhome next to mine. What I most wonder is if they get to have linoleum flooring that doesn't curl and if BOTH of their knobs on the bathroom sink work. If I told them that my cold water knob was broken and has been for the last 5-6 weeks, they'd running screaming into the front office demanding that someone come in and make their place just as equally crappy. I'm positive of that.
Moose and I like different things about our neighbors, Juan and Rosa (those aren't their names, I'm sure, but I like to give nice ethnic people nice names if I think they're nice. I'm sure people call me nice names too based on my ethnicity--Lupe, Maria, Espiranza, Lolita, Helga, Frau Lederhose, etc. If they don't, they need to start.
Here's what I like about Juan and Rosa:
1) He ALWAYS wears the most perfect ironed pants. And his shirts are always crisp and sharp and his hair is cut very neat. He really takes the time to look nice and I have a lot of respect for that. I live my life in workout clothes and while my shirts are always fresh and clean and my pants are fitted and perfect for being a personal trainer, it never seems to attract the eyes the way his outfits do. Ole Juan!! Moose and I dance around our sombrero in celebration of your ability to starch the crap out of your wardrobe!
2) She always keeps a very clean home and likes to vacuum alot. I vacuum alot too and keep my place clean, so I think she and I are secretly twins, separated at birth. 'Cept she is about 6 inches shorter and looks nothing like me. We're still twins. Just different moms and dads. Still twins. She was born in Mexico, I was born in Paraguay. Twins. Her first language is Spanish, mine was German...ah, crap, who cares. We are facebook BFFs, and that is more than you can say about being connected by blood. Facebook is thicker than blood.
3) I'm pretty sure they make some kick-ass tamales and empanadas. Meanwhile, on our half of this dwelling, I have a staple diet of egg whites, chicken, apples, lettuce, and carrots. Not sure that I could ever get much of anything resembling Mexican food out of those pathetic ingredients. But it keeps me lean and since Moose gets apple and carrots every now and then, his little glutes are starting show some good lift and he's quite the lean little booger himself. What my neighbors may have noticed by now, though, is that on Sundays, some pizza delivery boy is bounding up our walk on his way to deliver yet another meal for 6 to my apartment of 1 and a half. If food is such a big part of their culture, with my eating skills I'm pretty sure that I would have had one kick-ass quincenera back in the day! Makes me wanna hit a pinata filled with churros!
Here is what Moose likes about Juan and Rosa:
1) Juan wears these work boots that Moose kinda likes to pee on when Juan pets him and gives him lots of attention. Juan says it's no big deal, they are his work boots, so Moose just can't help but squirt all over 'em. When Moose hears Juan come home from work: Mother, Mother, can I pleeeeeeeeease go outside? Please oh please oh please oh pleeeeeeeease. He's just right there and I jus' need to see him for a minute! Pleeeeeeeease?? He has literally thrown himself against the door before with his exuberance temporarily knocking himself out and most likely dreaming of a good fiesta complete with tres leches cake and platanos machos. Delicioso amigos!!
2) Rosa likes to put the trash right outside their door and Moose can't help but run over and smell it and hope that one day Rosa will treat him to one of her empanadas. When he sees the bag he immediately makes a beeline for it: Man oh man, she put it out there! I just need to see something, Mother, just a little bit. I bet she put a tamale in there and I bet if I dig hard enough I can get it out!! Por favor, Mami! Poooooor favoooooooor!!!! Oh mi pobre madre dulce, ¿por qué usted tortura me tan? (little did we all know that my son is bilingual. He's not bi-ocular, but he is bi-lingual--hahahahahahahaha)
3) Juan drive 2 low-riders. These are especially attractive to Moose who so happens to be fond of shiny tires that he can leave his mark on. There is nothing Juan likes better than for my uni-vision boy to drench his freshly shined tires with his urine. But Juan is a good soul and lets us look on as he fires up that tricked out truck and puts the hydraulics into action causing it to bounce up and down and right to left--it makes Moose quiver with excitement just knowing he claimed that left front tire as his own.
We love our neighbors. They are good people and they also like to eat IHOP just as much as I do. Moose sits by the door sometimes just waiting for any sign of activity from them, while I try my hardest to figure out where he got that little Mexican flag. Hijole!!