28 October 2010

Ladies Night at the K (Royals game)

It's within my being to be one of the most girliest of girls. One who is teeming with femininity in a way that would make Barbie look like a mountain man who just got done bare hand wrestling a grizzly bear while at the same time making a good batch of deer jerky from a deer he shot with his homemade bow and arrow. That and he hasn't showered in about 8 days and his beard likens that of ZZ Top. Yes, that is how girly I am. Barbie is a simpleton compared to me. Good thing she divorced Ken and finally retired--she knew she was no match.

Probably the best way to celebrate any woman is a night out at Kaufman Stadium for a Royals game. I was lucky enough to go with my good friends Jill and Kristi. Kristi brought along her little son, Grayson, who, along with Moose, may have been 2 of the 6 wieners in attendance that night.

Now, at this event there is always a good variety of booths and all things appealing to females. This is everything from massage, skin care, clothing, and whatever else a woman would be attracted to...think they forgot to provide a booth with shirtless male models. One booth that was of particular interest was a chocolate fountain, which provided strawberries and you could cover the fruit in the chocolate and then indulge. I'm pretty sure women were tackling each other to get to the front of the line for that savory chocolate, which I think was just a whole bunch of melted hershey's kisses that were fed through a garden hose into a fishbowl. Nonetheless, it was a popular little setup.

One thing that should be noted is that it was quite rainy during Ladies Night at the K. So many women, so many heels, so much hairspray...then me--jeans, t-shirt, tennis shoes. Barbie is writhing in jealousy knowing how glamorous I looked. Kristi and Jill were dressed in similar fashion and little Grayson was strapped in his little Baby Bjorn stationed in a way that he could watch all the chaos at the chocolate fountain.

This fountain provided more amusement than anything else that night, including the game. While 95% of the women were at this booth the other 5% were trying to snag one of those pink bags that probably had coupons for Botox and lip injections...only in JOCO can you find your true worth in a session of Botulinum Toxin A and a good squirt of fat globules into your lip. Mmmmm, I bet that lady can't wait to go home and kiss her husband with lips full of fat taken from her right ass cheek. Does her husband know he's kissing her ass? Oh well, he'll just continue his affair with his 25-year-old secretary in the Sheraton Hotel over lunch while his wife spends his money on Gucci and plastic surgery thinking it keeps him interested.

Anyway, back to Chocolate Fountain. So, the line is long and it's raining. Jill and Kristie are in line and I'm standing off to the side keeping my eye on that stand over there where you can get roast beef sandwiches. I wasn't surprised that it was a bit isolated and not many women were flocking to it. They must have not received the memo on the importance of protein intake in order to maintain a shapely figure.

Jill says, "V, you want a chocolate covered strawberry?"

"No, I want a sandwich. You can fight those demons to get to the fountain, I'm gonna go eat like a caveman..."

"Of course you are...why wouldn't you? Well, I guess I'll enjoy all this chocolate to myself and feel what it's like to savor my femininity and revel in all this womanhood...yes, that's what I'll do."

"Riiiiiiiight, you get on that and tell me what it's like after you fend off the rest of those drooling housewives."

I'm pretty sure that after that statement, Jill farted. Nice womanhood, Jill. Keep reveling.

As I waited for Kristi and Jill to get their chocolate fix, it was obvious that the woman running the booth was not in celebration of womanhood. She must have been cursing it since it seemed as though certain functions were occurring within her body that caused her to lash out at any innocent bystander. I bet she was experiencing that brief segment of the month that required her husband to go into hiding until it passed.

She was a bit edgy because the fountain was not working properly. Not only that, but with all the rain, I noticed that the cord that plugged that fountain into electrical power was also laying in a nice puddle of water. She was a real bitchy sort so I simply said, "Hey, Satan's Mistress, I think if you just take 2 steps to the left and plug that fountain into the wall while holding this fork, you'll feel a WHOLE lot better."

She threw her fork at me as well as several strawberries. I ducked and ran while yelling, "It's only shock therapy, I swear!! Moose held his belly and laughed til his 1 eye started watering...little turd never helps his mother out. Grayson pooped in his diaper to show his disgust with Satan's Mistress.

The game was good too. Moose was trying to do the whole hey-batter-batter-swing thing but when he was in full force with it I noticed he wasn't looking at the field. He was looking at the guy carrying the big pole of cotton candy bags. I said, "Moose, turn your head and use your good eye. That's the cotton candy guy, it's not Billy Butler."

"Oh...hehe...whoopsies. GO COTTON CANDY GUY!!"

Kristi wanted a picture of all of us together and we managed to get a good one where her eyes were open. I told her if she wouldn't smoke so much weed prior to the game, it wouldn't take 7 attempts to get a good one. Here's what we came up with:

Grayson passed out because he was exhausted from all the smiling and got tired of his mom not being able to keep her eyes open. He said, "Hey, lady, how 'bout you wake me up when this crap can be a decent picture. I got dump in my diaper and I'm not a fan of getting rained on."

Another lovely night at the K celebrating womanhood...a cranky, menstruating chocolate fountain attendant, rainy, thundering weather to ruin any woman's updo no matter how much BigSexy Spray and Play she used, and coupons to satisfy any cougar's mission to complete plastic surgery in hopes of landing herself a 23-year-old boy fresh out of his law firm internship.

I already have tickets for next year's Ladies Night.

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