I realize that's standard routine for most apartment complexes to provide all tenants with a good service to keep spiders and other bugs away. The Orkin Guy (OG) came over this morning to spray and Moose was beside himself with excitement. He could hardly stand it long enough for me to at least open the door before he jumped up hit the door and fell backwards. As soon as OG stepped inside, saying, "Hello, ma'am. How're you today? Mind if I spray around your apt today?" I said, "Sure, why not...because the last time you did, the spiders seemed unfazed and came out of their corners laughing and slapping their little knees like you'd given them a few 'shrooms."
"Ok, ma'am, well, if you'll excuse me, I'll make sure to leave you some of these sticky traps as well. And just to let you know, they won't hurt your puppy in case he chews them."
"Oh, those...ok, yeah, whatever. They do make good snacks for him. Let's see, he snatched one up the first day you put them in my apt several months ago. And let me tell you, there is nothing like seeing my little wiener dog of a son running around with a sticky trap stuck to his paw. I even liked it when it was half stuck to his paw and half stuck to his nose. The spiders really had a hee haw of a good time watching that sight."
"Well, ma'am, I guess it's best if we just put the traps more out of his way then."
"Ok, that sounds good. But be warned: Moose is a stealth and agile beast who can burrow and dig his way into any crevice if it means getting his grip on a good piece of sticky trap."
Meanwhile, Moose is jumping up and down on OG trying to get his attention and even goes so far as to give him a few excited pee squirts right on his Orkin-approved uniform shoes. There are plenty of people walking around Overland Park and beyond in shoes that have been sufficiently marked with Moose's seal of approval.
In typical fashion, OG also happens to show up at a time when I am viciously searching and applying to various scholarships online. My apartment is not picked up because Moose has managed to pull all blankets off the couch as well as strewn his toys everywhere. I'm drinking coffee and totally caught up in what I'm doing so having OG here is not very welcomed. But he's nice and as he's walking and spraying (and the spiders are all following him taking pictures and putting "kick me" signs on OG's back), Moose is generously providing him with a guided tour. I'm pretty sure I saw Moose direct OG to the laundry room, put his paw to the side of mouth and quietly whisper, "This is where she keeps the ones that need to be cleaned...in a bit, I'll show where the cache is and it'll be like winning the green card lottery to Pantyville." (And since when can that little turd wink??)
Upon going upstairs to spray in the bathroom, I briefly think, "I think the bedroom is not the neatest right now since I have clean laundry stacked on my chair and more of Moose's toys laying around." But oh well, if OG hasn't seen underwear before then it'll be like taking his Victoria's Secret V-card. Then I hear a low voice from none other than my soon-to-be-neutered son.
"Hey, wanna know a secret? If you put down that sprayer and come over here, this is where she has her trove of goodies right in this spot. I'll give you 2 of my treats if you get me just 1 pair of those delicious panties."
Next thing I know, OG quickly comes down the stairs, nervously says bye to me and leaves. I quietly go up the stairs taking care not to make a noise and when I peek around the corner, there they are, a coupla spiders and Moose posing with my underwear. Moose says, "I know, aren't they great? And if you chew this part, you get a good elastic buzz going..." Next thing I know, there are high fives all around and then he notices me. That Benedict Arnold throws the panties toward his Arachnid cohorts and yells, "Hey! You are bad! Those are not your panties! This is an outrage and I won't tolerate this insolence in my mother's house! Oh, hey mother...hehe...sorry about that. I just get so fired up when they attempt this coup d'etat. You're so pretty when you don't get much sleep at night."
Moose is currently grounded from his favorite Atari game, "Pong", while I resume applying to scholarships with the hopes of one day completing my PhD and being able to move into the 2-bedroom apartment just a few doors down and with even bigger spiders.